Faith or Fear?

So my new bible study is on this topic and let's just say again it is in God's perfect timing that I am hearing this. We are in a place now that is so overwhelming. All the facets of what our future holds. The wife, mother & woman side of me wants to know, fix and get moving on every aspect. That is tough when all you are hearing from above is WAIT! No, no booming voice but the Spirit's undeniable presence and clarity in His presence. One of the other dear ladies in my study last night looked across the room at me with complete love and said, "Maybe you are to just be content & happy where you are right now." Yes, that sounds so simple from the outside & I agreed with her then and still do today but oh, it is so easy to say and still I want to scream..."What do we do next?"

We are so excited and tickled on how Anna's Forever Families has started off. We are looking forward to our website coming to life, awarding the first grant & continuing to see lives touched by sending out our applications. We know the first of October will be a great time of celebration as we write out the first check to the family we award. We pray through every step of this journey that only God's imprint is shown by what we do and not our own. Then there is the DECISION....the one that has been clinging to me so tightly in the last few days....do we start the adoption process again? Months ago we heard God directing us that maybe the Philippines was the direction but so much has happened since then. So I have spent countless hours looking at other programs: domestic, foster-domestic, embryo adoptions, Thailand, Taiwan, Philippines, Latin America and even China.....special needs. I will be completely honest in telling you we reviewed a child's file just this week from China. I panicked. Fear came in from all directions just like a thief in the night. We know that Faith comes from above so Fear comes from below. Satan and all his charms grabbed me by the nap of my neck and shook me to my center. Tony in his wonderful ways just supported me as I wrote the agency and told them of my doubts. He looked at me the other day and said something so moving to me that he had never told me. He said, "JoAnna(he does not call me Jo), God has placed you as the direct vessel of His plans into our family. He speaks to you. He speaks to me through you. God knows me and my cynical ways....He made me and knows my limitations. That is why He blessed me with you. He talks to you and I have full faith that He will tell you His plan for us and I trust Him, you and that plan completely. I am in this with you no matter what. We have to trust in the faith that has carried us this far. We have to have peace."

I sit here after the clear realization of all of it and I am so tired. Yes, tired. Tired of feeling like I am fighting. Fighting to just have another child be a part of our family. I know I have to obey to have God show me what is next but to jump into the water again scares me. How can I put all of my faith in Christ and have complete peace over the past chapters He has written in my life but still be scared to trust in Him for my unknown future? I feel like such a failure. The tears spring forth as I re-read my previous line. The familiar liturgy of "God Help Me!" is behind every tear. I am a child again and looking to my heavenly Father for help but will I trust Him when I hear His answer?

So I will end this entry today with the prayer that Jesus will take away the Fear and strengthen my Faith. I will cling to His Word for my protection from the enemy. I will pray every morning to be content and joyful in my place now. Not searching ahead until He guides me there. To be patient in His timing once more and have peace in the fact that through my blind Faith He will guide me with His light.
Faith or Fear? I choose Faith!
"I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to bring you a future with hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

In His Hands,
Jo