5 Little Pumpkins

So I sit here tonight and it is late. I have been weary tonight. That old feeling
of weariness and longing for my baby have crept in like the dampness in the air today. What was the trigger? Who knows? As I mentally review the last several weeks I guess the real question is what has not been the trigger? I miss her tonight. I ache for her tonight. When I type this I do not panic over the words like I used to. There is peace and just statement of fact with the words. The healing of time is what has allowed that. One thing still remains and rears it painful head and that is loss. The pain of loss. I have to stop typing due to the tears that just keep welling up. This is life. My life. No matter the progression or fulfillment that comes with that progress the fact is there will forever be an empty chair at my family's table. That chair will never be filled no matter how many children God may bless us with. My Anna is the only owner of the now empty chair.

I went back to our first blog and I read my post's from October to see where I was a year ago. I am so grateful and humbled that I have come so far. Back then I was still struggling with the question, "Why?". I have long ago let go of that question and been cloaked in His peace with the understanding that I will never grasp the full reason until the reason no longer matters. When I go Home it will not matter any more. The "Whys?" can go unanswered. Now I just want to get through this little rain cloud of pain that has hit me tonight. Grace received a gift card from one of our dearest friends to Barnes & Noble for her birthday a couple of weeks ago. Today the two of us spent the day together out & about. She is on fall break and I had her flu shot scheduled. After the "stinky" part of the day....the shot....we spent the day just doing some girl things. We went and spent her gift card, went to lunch, got pedicures and ended the day at Costco restocking the pantry. One of the books she got is just one of the sweetest books I have read in a long time. The illustrations are just beautiful. "The Scarecrow's Dance" just knocked my socks off when we read it at bedtime. Tony, Winston & myself were all in the bed with her for story time. After I read it Tony mentioned a song I used to sing to Jasper....one of the little one's I use to sit back in VA when Grace was a baby. I used to sing it when I was potty training him while at my home. I mentioned I actually sang it to Grace & Anna when they were on the potty. He did not realize that. My mind zoomed to one of my vivid memories of Anna on the potty and her mimicking me as I sang..."5 little pumpkins sitting on the gate, the 1st one said oh, my it's getting late"......
You get the idea. I can see Anna's little hands signing the parts I showed her and how she would say..."more Momma, peeasee...more". Wow, like a punch in the gut I feel the pain. Her little face, her voice, her hands....I see them all. How is it possible that it is still so vivid? Do not get me wrong I am so grateful for the clarity of the memory and praise God for that. It just hurts. I miss my Anna. We have come so far but I ache for her.

I pray with the last strokes of the keys tonight for serenity of thought and that the arms of Morpheus will encircle me to slumber. I pray that my Heavenly Father will give me rest tonight so I can go to work tomorrow with all my faculties. Four year old's demand attention and I need strength to give them my best. I will because I know that the pain I feel just makes me stronger. He does that. So I sign off to go pack lunches for each of us and say goodnight. Today was a good day with my beautiful Grace. Everyday is a good day with my beautiful Grace. No matter the pain...I am so blessed. I am so humbled by my life. Thank you Lord!

II Corinthians 12:9-10
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Jo