In His Image?

I was walking Winston early today on the the main green of our neighborhood when I saw a sweet neighbor of mine and her 2 year old. It is overcast here today and not so hot. The humidity is still incredible but there is a gentle breeze blowing that makes it bearable. Anyway, I noticed Miss A.'s hair blowing with the breeze and her oh, so cute "Matilda Jane" outfit and matching sandals. Miss A. and her sweet Mom came over to pet Winston and comment on his newest hair cut. Winston always looses about 15 pounds(or that is what it looks like) when we get him sheared. It is like having a new dog with every haircut(LOL). Oh, I looked at those little hands petting Winston and her sweet, little, 2 year old body & I could feel my heart just twist inside. As we said our goodbyes, so that Winston could continue his walk & sniffing, I watched Mother & sweet baby girl walk slowly around the sidewalk of the green. I used to walk with Anna that way....slowly just taking in the breeze, the green of the grass & the shade of each tree. Sweet, quiet time with your baby girl.

I silently then went to praying and asking questions to God. "When will I ever stop longing for Anna?" "Dear Lord, help my heart not hurt so." "Will I ever see a 2-3 year old little girl and not see Anna?" "If you created us in Your image does that also mean you feel the ache of sadness like me?" "Oh, Sweet Jesus I am sorry for every time I fall short and make you ache in sadness." "Oh, how I thank you for your tolerance of this horrible world & me--how we must make You weep!" "Why is my heart missing and tearing again today?" "Lord, please let me feel You in this breeze and carry my love to Anna....let her feel me today." "Thank you Jesus for this breeze and for loving me & giving me the promise that I will hold Anna again one day!"

I sit here and look at the things that ran through my mind & heart in a matter of a 15 minute walk and I know why I feel absolutely exhausted. My mind goes a million miles a minute these days. The memories of how life was and the hopes and dreams of how I pray life will be with Gabriel's arrival. I know very soon our lives will be filled with the joy & chaos of another toddler. This time a revved up & ready, little man. I am so excited and anxious for that day to come. I also know that the 2 year anniversary of my little Anna's death is just around the corner. It is normal for me to be a big, bag of emotions these days. Once again, I pray for God to help ME cut MYSELF some slack. To breathe and release. Not just breathe in and hold it for what seems like forever(LOL). You know that kind of breathing....the hyperventilation & suffocating type of breathing.

O.K. I got that off my chest. I feel a little better and I am going to try to take what bit of energy I can muster on this quiet, summer Saturday and put it to constructive use. I have Gabriel's adoption fund-raising yard sale to organize, closets to get in order, a sewing room to re-organize, patterns to start cutting and sewing, and a little boys room to put the final touches on. Oh, sweet Jesus give me some energy from somewhere! Yes, another cup of coffee might help too. Blessings & hugs to you!

Jo

Psalm 42:11
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."